How to talk about sexual consent: what to say and when to say it
What happens when sex stops being mutual — or never was in the first place? The consequences can be devastating.
To raise awareness and promote prevention, Concordia’s Sexual Assault Resource Centre (SARC) is launching a campaign called “Ask, Listen, Respect: Join the Consent Conversation” starting with Orientation and back-to-school activities this fall.
“Our intention is to prevent sexual assault from occurring by giving students the tools — strategies, specific language — to better communicate and check in with their partners,” says Jennifer Drummond, SARC coordinator. She runs the centre from the third floor of the Guy-Metro Building (GM), with the help of volunteers.
“We want to teach people how to incorporate consent into their personal lives and into their sex lives.”
How to ask — and really listen
As Drummond explains, “consent must be mutual, sober and continual.”
“Just because your partner agrees to one sexual act doesn’t mean they’re consenting to other sex acts. If a person is intoxicated, their consent is invalid. Plus, your partner has the right to change their mind at any time.”
There’s a misconception that you have to ask for consent using legalistic terms that sound awkward — and, frankly, kill the mood. But Drummond suggests that people ask personal questions, like “does this feel good?”, “is that okay?” and “should I keep going?”
If your partner is silent, that does not constitute consent. To ensure you’ve got consent, listen for phrases like “that’s great”, “keep going” and “yes!”
Consent is about respect
What’s the best way to react when your partner wants to cool things down sexually? The best and only acceptable response is to respect the other person’s limits.
Drummond recommends phrases like “Do you want to take a break?”, “Yeah, let’s slow down”, and “Okay, is there anything you’d like me to do instead?” — all good responses in a sexual situation where one partner isn’t interested in going further.
“Ask, Listen, Respect”
One of the SARC campaign’s strategies for outreach is a series of three thematic postcards: “Ask, Listen, Respect: Join the Consent Conversation.”
“The postcards are a bit provocative. That’s a good thing,” says Drummond. She hopes they’ll catch students’ attention and spark awareness around the issues of consent.
Watch out for these, and other advertising, on campus this fall and winter.
Drop by SARC during office hours to access a range of helpful information and support. SARC offers workshops by request, on topics including bystander intervention, consent and supporting survivors.
Learn more about the Sexual Assault Resource Centre.