Until death do us part

Have you ever wonder if monogamy really suits you? Have you ever wanted to say something, but being afraid of losing your partner? Consider yourself warned, for you should stop reading now if you don’t want to question your relationship, and one of our most common assumptions about romantic relationships, monogamy.

Monogamy is defined as the practice of being, mate, and exclusively feel for one person at the time. But, how true is the “exclusive” part? Do we truly come as blank slate into a new relationship? Can we really or truly feel for only one person at the time? How healthy or harmful it may be? Is it the right way to teach the future generations? What does science have to say about it? So many questions and very few answers on something we all choose to engage. Therefore, this document contains a few words for those thoughts you may have silenced, perhaps more than once, along with a bit of scientific evidence and perspective as to why we engage in monogamous relationships, and why that may not suit every or anyone.

The evolutionary, behavioral, and neural basis of monogamy

Monogamy is the most prevalent romantic relationship strategy in the world, period. Evolutionary biologists have indicated that this mating strategy evolved as a way to ensure reproductive success. This is thought to be the result of mating scarcity, and not necessarily paternal care, to ensure survival of the offspring. As funny and weird as it can be, it has been suggested that monogamy may explain why human males do not possess a baculum, or bone, in their penis. In other promiscuous species where male posses a baculum, the length of the penis correlated with prolong intromission mating, which is believed to keep the female away from competitors, thus allowing the sperm to ‘do its magic’. Therefore, in absence of competition through a monogamy strategy, male no longer had a use for it (for as sad as it may sound for some).

Evolutionary biology might explain how and why monogamy or pair bonding arose and was selected for at a species level. Yet, species evolve, not individuals. Studies have shown that certain environmental cues might trigger biochemical changes in individuals that would render them more or less likely to adopt a monogamous or, alternatively, a polygamous mating strategy. These studies have been conducted predominantly with voles, the hallmark animal model of monogamy in science. To study monogamy, researchers use two different types of voles, the montane and prairie voles, believed to be either polygamous or monogamous, respectively. Scientist define these animal as ‘monogamous’ since they cohabitate independently of the mating seasons. Furthermore, females and males will display selective contact or physical proximity, selective aggression towards intruders, bi-parental care behaviors, and distress after separation. Studies have shown that after cohabitating for a long period of time or having sex, prairie voles would develop a partner preference.

In order to know how this occurs, studies have evaluated the neurochemistry behind these findings. For instance, oxytocin, a hormone and neurotransmitter with multiple functions, has been found to play a pivotal role in the development of pair bonding in females, even when there is no mating involved. Another crucial neurotransmitter involved is called vasopressin, and it has showed to play a similar role than oxytocin, but in males. These molecules are crucially involved, yet they are the only ones responsible for bonding between partners. Several other chemical, genes, biological, and even social factors contribute to the intricate processes involved in the development and maintenance of pair bonds.

A vast literature has been dedicated to explain the mechanisms that explain how we choose a partner to be in a relationship. Different scientific fields come together to offer different scopes on how this happens. From the evolutionary mechanisms, passing through the neurochemical basis, to the social and cultural reasons, humans most commonly choose to engage in monogamous relationships. Yet, we are not prisoners of the odds and theories. That means that not only we are not trapped in what appears “most” reproductively advantageous or socially acceptable, but also that variation is natural among different members of the same species. There are several other species that not only are promiscuous, along others that shift among different mating and parental strategies depending on different factors. In the great scheme of things, monogamy is just another strategy for mating, reproduction, or perhaps parenting; and most importantly, that variability is natural, expected, and necessary.

Is monogamy the only viable way?

Change is the only constant in life. The world of nowadays changes rapidly, and its trends are more easily spread with communications tools like the internet. We are becoming more and more aware of other people’s lives and, particularly, and how they live their intimate lives which influence how we approach our own life.

Monogamy may have been encouraged by a natural selection, but there is already a strong social/cultural component to it. We see it, learn it, believe in it, and do not question it. Songs sing about it, movies depict it, and books tell stories about it. If you stop to think for a moment, you will be able to realize how much our society and culture reinforces this particular patterns. Traditions like marriage, institutions like religion, mass media like TV commercials, and the list goes as long as I have words to write.  However, there are as many possibilities as couples in this world as to what kind of relationship people choose, want, or secretly desire.

Being and remaining single is rising and being accepted as a possibility more than ever, just as much as other type of variations to being mutually exclusive. ‘Open relationships’ and ‘friend with benefits’ are already old trends that became part of the mainstream. Also, there also exist communities of ‘swingers’ or ‘partner swapping’ where singles and partners in a relationship engage in sexual activities with others as a recreational or social activity. Swingers like to see this as a ‘life style’ aiming to improve their intimate lives and their relationships, to which they tend to remain faithful (in their own way to conceive faithfulness). Most swinger practices start after marriage, in people often above 35 years old. Studies have shown that swinger are more likely to stay married than exclusively-monogamous couples. They also report being happier, more honest, and reach orgasms more frequently than their counterpart. Furthermore, polyamorous relationships or consensual non-monogamy is becoming more and more common. These are defined as relationships in which all partners agree to engage in sexual or emotional relationships with others. The degree as to one would be involved in any of those domains is discussed and agreed upon among the involved parties. Of course, the possible combinations are as colorful as they can be. A study comparing polyamorous and monogamous couples showed that both men and women from polyamorous relationships declared to have a better intimacy than their monogamous counterpart. Nevertheless, as it has been mentioned, no relationship style is perfect or cut for everyone. It depends on oneself to find happiness either by ourselves or in whichever agreement we’re currently in.

The rainbow of opportunities varies, and only one thing is for sure: anyone is free to have whatever agreement that suits them. What seems to be the trend is that people explore more their opportunities at a young age, and heading more towards monogamy when they want to get married and start a family. It makes sense and it is most certainly valid. Although, it is undeniable that monogamy, hence marriage, is the most common type of relationship. What happens a few years after the honey moon is what doesn’t add up.

Is monogamy condemned to extinction?

Being in a relationship can be wonderful, and why wouldn’t you like to spend the rest of your life with your significant other? Taking the ‘next step’ is not an easy decision, yet sooner or later most of people do. 90% of people in western cultures marry by the age of 50. However, why something once so precious and rewarding breaks apart so easily and frequently? Most couples do not make it to marriage, and not many married couples make it far either.

Urban wisdom and science say that the success of your relationship can literally be predicted by the toss of a coin. The American Psychological Association states that people in America have a 40-to-50% to get divorced, and that subsequent marriages chances of divorce are even higher. Accordingly to Statistics Canada, 48% of Canadian married couples will end up divorced. This may sound terrible, but I’m sure these are not news to you.

Marriage is an important institution of modern societies, and the foundation of a stable and long-lasting monogamous relationship. Most people decide to start a family when they feel a bit more certain they have their “other half”. Yet, as previously mentioned, not everyone is lucky enough to have chosen “the–right–one”, and the repercussions of a bad marriage can even be passed along future generations. A recent study found that parental relationship strategies are often transmitted towards future generations. That is, controlling for socioeconomic status, children from divorced marriages often end up divorced in the future. No one marries thinking they will fail, yet stats only state the odds are not in our favor to begin, even more when your parents divorced.

Among the reasons why people divorce, perhaps the common factor among all of them is dissatisfaction. Either with their partners themselves, their intimacy, finances, family of origin, expectations, etc. People grow apart for several reasons, and it is important to understand how and why monogamy may contribute to that. The fundamental difference between monogamous and non-monogamous strategies lies in the exclusive partner. Thus, having and feeling exclusively for only for partner goes against two main natural forces in any animal: habituation and curiosity.

Habituation is a learning phenomenon in which a stimulus does not create the same response when presented repetitively. This phenomenon is stimulus- and context-specific. Stimulus specificity means, for example, you habituate to a man, yet not to all men; and context specificity means, for example, you habituate to have sex in the bed, yet not in the kitchen, if you ‘do it’ more frequently in the former and not so often in the latter. This phenomenon alone can explain why you don’t feel or react physically and emotionally to your partner like in the beginning. Curiosity, on the other hand, is quite self-explanatory. It is that driving force for the unknown, rare, or new; to try, have, taste, or experience it. So, let’s put it this way. Let’s pretend you like bacon. How would you like to have bacon for breakfast tomorrow morning? Awesome! What about the entire week? Nice! Now, what about for the rest of the month? Well… Until death do you two apart? I guess at this point you may have even thought on the heath consequences of eating bacon, and only bacon, until you die. All of a sudden, bacon doesn’t seem that appetizing. Same goes for sex! This doesn’t mean you can’t be creative as to how to eat your bacon. Monogamy is not inheritably wrong; it is simply a model that fights against two natural and powerful forces.

Falling in-loved seems unenviable, just like wanting to spend your life beside your beloved one. Marrying is not a poisoned fruit we all want to eat from, yet it is important to keep in mind its limitations, for the ones who do not know their history are condemned to repeat it. Monogamy has enemies that threaten every couple, just like other non-monogamous relationships face other sort of difficulties, as well. Polyamorous or non-monogamy are not immune to break up’s.

As stated before, many couples break up because they feel dissatisfied. When things do not work, it affects everything in the relationship. Sex is one of those. Dissatisfaction in bed makes you see things differently in other domains of the relationship, which certainly does not help when you already may feel things are “ok” in bed, or when that other person gives you “the eyes”. I insist, sex is not everything in a relationship, and people evaluate more than just their intimacy when re-thinking about being or staying in a relationship. But, it is astonishing to know that 63% of men and 45% of women revealed to have been unfaithful at least once. Is there something wrong with monogamy, or should we start re-thinking and redefining infidelity? If monogamy would suit everyone or the majority of us, why are these numbers so high? Does monogamy lack of something in particular that it could ‘improve’ it? Or perhaps we lack of the natural skills that takes to have any sort of healthy and long lasting relationship?

What do you rather do, lose your life-time partner over a ‘mistake’, or explore your options openly and honestly with your partner? Couples often opt for disengagement since they wait until things break apart or when it is too late to seek out help, instead of open the discussion to find solutions or alternatives. Sometimes, breaking up may be the right thing to do. But, when it is not, a non-monogamous approach is just around the corner, asking itself why people condemn it before even try it. However, non-monogamous arrangements are not necessarily suitable for everyone, and that is as simple to understand as that not everyone likes bacon as a preferable breakfast. It is a choice, and therefore any type of relationship should be respected.

Whichever type of relationship you may want to have, things matter a bit more when you actually engage. The style of relationship you choose to embrace will show your kids ‘the’ way to approach relationships, and that will be inevitable.

The future of human -romantic- relationships

“Until death do you part” doesn’t it sounds beautiful? Doesn't it sound romantic? Anyone likes a great love story. “They met just by coincidence. Their path together was special, and although they faced difficulties, finally they got married”. Well, part of adult life is coming to terms with a few ‘reality checks’. Let’s face it; things are most likely to change than remain the way they are. So, here is a thought.

Let’s assume you have children. It is Sunday family lunch and one of your children asks you: “I don’t want to marry, like… ever”. What would say, would you be ok? Would you be ok regardless of the sex of your child?

You may have an answer or as of now you may not. Whichever it may be your case, little it matters whether you are ok with marrying or not, or if you want the same for your kids. More important than what you have is what you do with it. I think it can be shocking for you, but if you think for a bit, why does it matter if that is what they want? They can be good people, successful, still fall in love, have or adopt children, etc. However, as stated before, the type of relationship you choose for yourself will inheritably bias their way to approach their relationships. Better choose carefully, for yourself and for the role model you inheritably will be for your children.

One day at the time

Until death do us part, and then, death appeared in the form of most gorgeous human being. Scary, isn’t? I guess you owe your relationship a conversation before ‘death’ comes around and takes you or your partner away. Sometimes things are not easy, but they may be simple. In the long run, nothing bad can come from honesty. Only love can conquer all!

Regardless of what kind of relationship you want or suit you better, there are key aspects that would make either of them healthy and pleasant, even if they don’t last forever. Just like there are signs of unhealthy and destructive relationships that would drain your soul away. Even good relationships face conflicts; there is no right ways or perfection when it comes to love in romantic relationships. It would not be interesting otherwise, isn’t? It is natural to struggle, yet everyone can be trained in social and emotional skills that would not only make your romantic life better, but also your personal, interpersonal, and social life.

Regardless what kind, who you choose, when, what you do, or what you like for breakfast, what matters the most is to enjoy yourself truthfully and genuinely, being honest with your partner(s), respecting their views and accepting their ways of seeing life. At the end of the day, we are just one biased and limited human being, looking for a bit of fun and love in our lives. So, meanwhile we all find what each of us is looking for, be kind and respectful, because we all deserve love.

I guess there is nothing in this world that has more meanings than love. We could all agree that love, and thus relationships, is a bet to the uncertain, with a high risk of painful experiences and disappointments. Yet, a smooth sea never made a skillful sailor, and nothing good in this life comes easily. Love is not the goal, but the path you choose. Monogamy is one of those, and each of us has the wonderful opportunity to choose who we walk along in our journeys. At the end of the day, I think anyone can agree that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Maybe love is a risky bet, but what if it works?

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